Have you noticed situations in which you are more likely to be reactive? Recently, I asked my spouse if he’d like to attend a community event with me. The first thing I noticed was his facial expression. He seemed annoyed. He then began to explain the reasons he did not want to attend. My initial reaction was frustration, followed by hurt feelings. I thought, “why is it always such a big deal,” and “why can’t he try things before automatically thinking of reasons not to participate.” 

Just as I was about to react to these feelings and thoughts, I paused. I noticed that part of me felt rejected and was about to tell my husband, “I just won’t ask you if you want to go anywhere anymore. I’ll just go with friends.” But with pause, I was able to recognize what was happening inside. This allowed me to respond differently, and I was able to say, “Think about it and we can discuss it a bit more tomorrow.”

We all have parts of us that get activated from time to time. These parts can cause us to become very reactive, or to shut down or distract ourselves in some way. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach to addressing these parts of our personality. 

Created by family therapist Richard Schwartz, PhD, in the 1980s, IFS views the mind as composed of multiple “parts,” like an inner family, rather than a single self, and aims to access the core “Self,” to help transform internal conflict into inner harmony.  

In developing the therapeutic process, Dr. Schartz identified four parts of the personality:

Exiles are the parts that carry our wounds from childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. They may be buried in our subconscious but try to come into our conscious awareness. They are the very vulnerable parts of our personality and we may have multiple Exiles. 

In Listening When Parts Speak, author Tamala Floyd explains how parts
become exiled:

Exiles are usually young, vulnerable parts of us that hide from awareness for self-protection or that protectors attempt to keep hidden for fear that they will destabilize the system with pain and vulnerability. When we are young and unburdened, these parts may express as joyous, curious, playful and energetic. However, they receive the message from family, cultural groups and society that their natural way of being is unacceptable. Children come to understand that who they are is not okay, and to receive love and care, they need to change who and how they are. This creates the need to exile or cut off parts of themselves from the whole. Children are vulnerable and dependent on adults, and if rejecting parts of themselves is the cost of their safety, love and care, the system adjusts to increase the likelihood the child will receive the care needed to survive. The system will keep adjusting to outside forces, exiling more parts if necessary.

There are two other parts that act as protectors to keep exiles buried in our subconscious: Managers and Firefighters.

Managers are the parts of our personality that work very proactively to keep our Exiles tucked away, for fear they will overwhelm us. We can have multiple Managers working to ensure we don’t do anything that makes us look bad or weak. Examples include our inner critic, the part that makes sure everything is in order, and that we are seen in a positive light. I like to think of Managers as those parts that keep all the plates spinning. 

Think of Firefighters as comforters and soothers. Firefighters are very reactive and uninhibited. They will go to great lengths to distract, so that an exiled part does not surface, and are not concerned about collateral damage. Examples include parts that go on shopping sprees, gamble, use drugs or alcohol, or inflict self-harm. The goal of a Firefighter is to distract and subdue at any cost. 

It is important to understand that none of these parts are bad. They are doing their best to protect our internal systems. They do not want the jobs they have but feel forced into working to protect us. Typically, these protective parts operate at a younger developmental age and stage––regardless of our actual age. 

The fourth part is the Self which has natural healing capability. The challenge is that many of these protective parts, the Managers and Firefighters, do not know the Self. When we are young and experience a traumatic event, Managers and Firefighters step in to protect us based on the tools in their arsenals. This reactivity may overshadow the Self, much like clouds covering the sun. However, the Self has been and is always present. 

The goal of IFS is to build a “Self to Part” relationship, opening communication between the Self and the Managers and Firefighters. Once this happens and permission is received to communicate directly with an exiled part, the wound that the Exile has been carrying can be unburdened. Then Managers and Firefighters are no longer forced into the protective jobs they previously held and are now free to do the jobs they were intended to do, like inspiring creativity, or simply resting.

When our system is unburdened and there is Self-energy present, we navigate through the world in a more present way. This has a positive impact on our relationships, how we respond during stressful situations, and how we navigate through the world. 

The goal is not to get rid of our parts; they are all parts of our personality, and they are all very wise. However, we function more effectively when our parts act as consultants, rather than leading the charge. We want to learn to speak for our parts, rather than from them. 

Gwen Harville-Washington is a licensed clinical social worker, specializing in Internal Family Systems. To learn more and register for Gwen’s groups for women and therapists, call (909) 210.5895 or gwen.alpa@gmail.com.

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