Clients often enter therapy questioning why they are in yet another toxic or dysfunctional relationship. My mantra is, “You’re either going to be it, or get into a relationship with it, unless you explore it.”
People have a predisposition to that which is familiar. Thus, they may robotically repeat unhealthy mental and emotional behaviors until awareness, or sometimes traumatic events, inspire them to make healthier choices.
Where do these patterns begin? Often, early insecure attachment to a parental figure(s) can have crucial maladaptive effects on the formation of one’s psyche. This can lead to self-defeating, self-sabotaging behaviors throughout life.
Pioneering psychiatrist John Bowlby, MD, described healthy attachment behavior as the result of a child attaining or sustaining a close relationship with someone whom they trust has a greater sense of the world. When that attachment figure is available and responsive, the child experiences an enduring sense of security. This allows them to prize and pursue the valued relationship.1 If all goes well, there is joy and a sense of security. If it is threatened, there can be jealousy, anxiety, anger, grief and depression.2
Through continued interaction, a child develops “internal working models” or beliefs and expectations about the primary caregiver’s trustworthiness and responsiveness. This, in turn, develops the child’s sense of personal worthiness.2 It has been noted that securely attached infants have been found to exhibit greater competence with peers, greater ego resiliency, and more confidence than their insecurely
attached counterparts.2
Our personal history can serve as valuable lessons. Don’t be afraid to explore. Your valuable history is not Pandora’s Box; it has led you towards a perfectly imperfect you.
Visualize a container and imagine your past confined inside. You can open that box and remove any piece of historical information you wish. You can also safely contain it by closing it shut until you are ready to explore the next time.
In everyday life, when you find yourself in an emotionally uncomfortable situation, ask yourself how you’re feeling. When the feeling is identified, ask yourself what you can do to better care for yourself in that moment (e.g., take a walk, verbalize your need for space, practice controlled breathing, or try journaling). This simple practice can help you identify if your inner child or your core adult self is present during that challenging time. You can then support your core adult self to grow, mature and shine.
The good news is that with focused attention on your past, you can move beyond it and emerge empowered. Whether individually or in a therapeutic setting, it is possible to reframe historical hardships to attain a heightened sense of authentic self-worth and healthier relationships moving forward.
Dr. Amy Austin is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFC#41252) and doctor of clinical psychology in Rancho Mirage. She can be reached at (760) 774.0047.
References: 1) “Study of Attachment: The Impact of Early Attachment and Current Functioning Through Relational Models of Therapy.” Amy Austin’s doctoral dissertation (2004); 2) Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base. New York: Basic Books. Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar M.C., Wall, S., & Waters, E. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
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