In the past, humility was a sought-after trait. Teaching children to be humble and selfless was prized and would hopefully keep arrogant, self-centeredness at bay. Loud, bold, overconfident behavior was dimmed by a modest, self-sacrificing approach.

Today, we realize humility has a downside. Sacrificing one’s wants and needs for the sake of others can lead to issues with low self-worth. There’s been a shift to ensure we relay how special, talented and unique our children are, and that healthy self-esteem is a driving factor leading to success. But have we taken this too far?

According to current social scientists, narcissism has become a modern epidemic, denoting a self-serving individual’s intense and over compensatory need for admiration and attention, an air of entitlement and a lack of empathy. Narcissists tend to display an ongoing disregard for other people’s sensitivities. That, coupled with a society which prizes fame, wealth and celebrity, can lead to a lifetime of pervasive mental, emotional and relational issues. 

Narcissists in relationships leave their partners emotionally bankrupt because the relationship is devoid of compromise and healthy reciprocity. Narcissists will use their partner as a tool to reflect their own grandiose, magnificent brilliance back to them. Their terminal uniqueness allows for an insidious spiral into an inflated, self-involved, vainglorious hole. Individuals involved with a narcissist wonder why they are mentally and emotionally spent after the air has been sucked out of the room. Gaslighting is a common tactic used by a narcissist; making someone else feel crazy is a honed, manipulative tool. 

In a relationship with a narcissist and want to stay focused on your own self-care and well-being? Here are a few ways to ensure that your life’s purpose is full
and fulfilling:

• Establish healthy boundaries that clearly define which behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable. Utilize the “broken record technique.” Boundaries might need repetition without explaining, justifying, rationalizing, minimizing, or overgeneralizing. Envision a protective circle around you, and imagine only letting in things of value while keeping out toxicities. 
• Practice emotional detachment with the gray rock method, where you become “emotionally unresponsive and neutral.” This can minimize a narcissist’s ability to get a rise out of you. 
• Just as the partner of an alcoholic receives support from Al-Anon, surround yourself with functionally healthy people. 
• Focus on self-care and the maintenance of a healthy sense of self to diminish the emotional chaos a narcissist brings to the table.
• Therapy can facilitate your own emotional growth through exploration of your wounded child, family of origin issues, as well as current stressors, helping you learn how to navigate and cultivate a healthy core adult self.

Melanie Tonia Evans, an expert on narcissistic behavior states that, “narcissists are energy vampires. They feed on the emotional energy that you supply them with. Act like they have no power over you and your life, and they won’t.”

As with anything toxic in your life, freedom comes from within. A narcissist can only go so far. Empower yourself to do the rest. 

In a relationship with “a sea of me?” There is a way to set your spirit free.

Dr. Amy Austin is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFC#41252) and doctor of clinical psychology in Rancho Mirage. She can be reached at (760) 774.0047.

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