In the month preceding Yom Kippur, the day of atonement for Jews worldwide, a common phrase heard may be, “If I have hurt or offended you in any way, whether consciously or unconsciously, I am sorry.” This sentiment may stem from the lingering sting of a hurtful act by another, and hope, that at some point, internal resolution may be found.

Returning to the center after someone offends you can be another story altogether. A myriad of puzzle pieces come to mind when discerning a proper course towards relationship repair or deciding to let go. An important consideration is whether the offender is a friend, loved one, co-worker, teacher or boss. With friends, even long-term relationships, it can be understandable to surmise, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

Hurtful situations among loved ones are complex and may require a nuanced approach to move beyond negativity and restore family harmony. Here are a few points to contemplate when deciding whether a relationship is worth repairing:

Rate the degree of wrongdoing on a scale of 1-10. If someone forgot your birthday, that might be a 1 or 2. (An 8 if it’s a partner or spouse! LOL.) Being gracious and magnanimous about small slights is a helpful course of action that honors your positive sense of self and integrity.

Was the offense a one-time occurrence or does it occur on a consistent basis? If you’re setting emotionally healthy boundaries, and the offender continues to react negatively, it might be time to recruit some impartial outside help. Positive self-care is all about reaching out.

Do you want to continue holding a grudge? My father always told me, “When you hate, you have to live with the hate within.” Decide how much space in your mind you want to rent to a grudge, hoping someone will someday call with a remorseful apology.

Create a turnaround. Did this offense create an opportunity for introspection, fortitude and motivational growth? When I shared with a loved one that I’d like to one day become a psychotherapist, I was told I would never be able to deal with people’s problems. We all know how that turned out.

Feeling betrayed? Just because you feel betrayed doesn’t mean you have to live betrayed. Instead of being the victim or martyr, you can claim mastery over your life and navigate a more positive and adaptive course. We give our power away; no one can take it. Empowerment awaits!

Work to make amends. Alcoholics Anonymous advocates make amends when and where warranted and appropriate. When an in-person amendment is not possible, a ‘no send’ letter can serve as a method of meaningful catharsis.

Talk it through. With respectful communication and effective listening, it’s possible to establish an even richer bond in the end.

Deal or no deal? Physical, mental, emotional and/or verbal abuse are all relationship dealbreakers.

Whether rebuilding from betrayal or gently letting go, all we really want to know is that we gave it our best attempt. Lauren Del Sarto, esteemed founder of Desert Health, relayed, “Our number one job in life is to evolve to be the best human we can be. Each person and each experience we encounter adds to that evolution; thus, each is a lesson along our journey.”

Dr. Amy Austin is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFC#41252) and doctor of clinical psychology in Rancho Mirage. She can be reached at (760) 774.0047.