In my practice, I often see people struggling with low self-worth. They find it difficult to identify positive attributes in themselves and are usually underdeveloped emotionally. The cause of this deficit most commonly arises from family of origin issues, but there are other facets behind this disruptive problem that require exposure, exploration and processing towards the goal of mental wellness.

‘Other esteem’ occurs when one seeks validation and/or approval from another while sacrificing individual wants and needs. There is little connection to one’s authentic self; outwardly, one may appear as the ultimate doer and giver, but in the shadows, they may feel empty and emotionally depleted.

Those with addictive behaviors often fall victim to other esteem as setting healthy and adaptive boundaries is challenging, and “Yes!” is the word of the day. Other esteemers relentlessly seek unmet affirmation, never realizing the relationship is not reciprocated, which cements a negative feedback loop of painful dysfunction.

There is a common thread of internal factors leading to external dysfunction, which keeps those affected spiraling down the rabbit hole of “themness” or other esteem. In her new book, All the Way to the River, Eat Pray Love author Elizabeth Gilbert posits, “Given the latest neurological research…people with process addictions…extreme compulsivity around certain behaviors [such as] shopping, hoarding, eating, sex, obsession, gaming, etc., have nervous systems that don’t work quite right…Many of us, having experienced at a young age what are officially referred to as ‘consistent disruptions of safety,’ have trouble regulating our own emotions, taking care of ourselves, telling fantasy from reality, understanding the concept of boundaries, knowing whom to trust, and distinguishing our feelings from other people’s feelings.”

Gilbert adds that people, despite their best efforts at living sane and stable lives, can sometimes get swept into high-octane dramas and traumas, finding themselves washed up on shores that can feel very distant from their true nature. Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, perfectionism, or work, while others are addicted to others.

Trying to find happiness in another’s experience rather than from within oneself can be a roller coaster ride. As it has been said, trying to fuel oneself from another’s reality can spark an emptiness that keeps accepting the crumbs, never realizing the whole cake is there to enjoy.

Through some meaningful undercover work, one can begin to break the chains of other esteem by understanding and accepting one’s own mental, emotional and physical limitations. Start by checking in with yourself and asking, “How can I better take care of me in this moment?” Laugh often and live life with joy! Exercise and take time with family and friends. Seek professional help if change feels outside your own reach.

There is only one you. Embracing, loving and accepting yourself is what we should all aspire to do.

Dr. Amy Austin is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFC#41252) and doctor of clinical psychology in Rancho Mirage. She can be reached at (760) 774.0047.