The more I understand forgiveness, the closer I come to understanding that forgiveness is an inside job. It truly has nothing to do with the other person(s) or situation(s) which have done you wrong. Until you have done some serious and deep internal work, you may keep telling yourself that you have forgiven the other person or situation, yet forgiveness in the subconscious mind may not be complete. With this lack of understanding, your actions/reactions may continue to be self-sabotaging inside and out, and you may continue to feel wronged. 

Some of my clients express that they feel used, manipulated and pushed/pulled to their wits end, leaving them feeling depleted, unappreciated and unlovable. I often find that, while their individual experience may be valid, their opinion of and reaction to the wrongdoing is the foundation that needs to be identified and healed. 

The blame game is often so easy to play when someone or something is wrong: “It was her/his fault,” “They made me do it,” “They keep using me and not appreciating what I do for them,” etc. I can both understand and empathize with their experience, but nobody said life would be easy, neither is self-forgiveness. When we can recognize that we are unhappy, it is our responsibility to bring the joy of life back into every cell of our body to support healing on a cellular level. 

If you find yourself in a rut and unable to truly forgive or unable to do the things you promised yourself due to procrastination, avoidance and not being fully available, I invite you to explore my Top 5 Tips to Self-Forgiveness. Offering self-forgiveness will allow you to forgive those outside of yourself. You can begin to build confidence and integrity to make the right choices in life, which will support you in ways that you never thought possible. 

Top 5 Tips to Self-Forgiveness:

1. Give yourself the chance to recognize what you are feeling by expanding your feelings vocabulary. I recommend Dr. Gloria Willcox’s Feelings Wheel to help you identify.1

2. If you are struggling to accept those feelings, explore what you wish to feel about yourself, the person(s) and or the situation. 

3. Now that you recognize what you desire to feel, ask yourself this question: what can I do to change the old negative feelings, or can I reframe that feeling? This new mindset is about taking responsibility through action to make a difference in your own life.

4. Once you have identified your negative feelings and reframed them into new positive feelings, gift yourself by forgiving yourself for your previous thoughts, feelings and actions. 

5. What’s NEW about you? Create and develop new behaviors and actions; set boundaries, cut ties, accept and celebrate differences, develop your communication skills, trust yourself, and, most importantly, build your self-love practice. 

If this article resonates with you, do yourself and your loved ones a favor, grant yourself forgiveness. As coaching guru Tony Robbins says, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” 

Dipika is a holistic health coach and author and can be reached at [email protected]. Pre-orders for her new book Own Your Inner Bitch So She Can’t Own You are now available at For more information visit


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