My favorite psychologist, John Gottman, PhD, has studied relationships throughout his career. In his “Love Lab,” the world’s first couple’s laboratory which opened in 1986 at the University of Washington, he has studied over 3,000 couples. Because of this, he can predict within 15 minutes of an argument which marriages will end in divorce within the next six years. He puts the couples into one of two categories, either “Masters” or “Disasters,” and his predictions have had a 91 percent
success rate.

As he outlines in his New York Times bestseller, “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work,” Gottman has seen four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

He calls these behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” in reference to the Bible’s Book of Revelations where conquest, war, hunger and death signal the end of times. However, Gottman’s four horsemen — criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — signal the end of times for a relationship.

Though most people use these habits from time to time in their relationships, the key is to recognize their use, quickly make repairs, and work toward using them less.

Let’s take a deeper look at Gottman’s four horsemen, the behaviors most likely to damage a relationship:

Criticism is the act of noticing a problem within your relationship and turning it into a commentary of your partner’s character. Criticism is different from a complaint as a complaint focuses on the actual issue and can be helpful in dealing with resentment over time.

An example of a complaint: “I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is frustrating for me to encounter a sink full of dirty dishes!”
An example of criticism: “Why do you always leave the dishes in the sink? Once again, you never care about me and how tired I am!”

The complaint focuses on the problem — the dirty dishes — while criticism turns the partner into the problem. Once that happens, your partner will probably respond defensively and the conversation may escalate into conflict.

Defensiveness is a reaction to perceived criticism and escalates conflict rather than resolving it. A defensive person may react to the dirty dishes by:

Seeing themselves as a victim: “You are always critical of me and never notice all the things I do right.”
Counter-criticizing: “I’ll do the dishes when you start cleaning up the dog droppings in the yard. It’s a mess.”
Overexplaining: “I started to do the dishes and the phone rang. Next, I found we are out of detergent and added it to the shopping list. Then I got interrupted by…”

Contempt is perhaps the most corrosive of Gottman’s four horsemen and can manifest as sarcasm, cynicism or name-calling. It is fueled by simmering negative thoughts about your partner that then lead to using shame and mean-spirited sarcasm to put your partner down. It usually includes an air of superiority, meanness, and can even lead to emotional abuse. According to Gottman’s research, contempt is the biggest indicator of divorce.

An example of contempt: “Once again, I walked into this filthy house after a long day working hard for this family. Why would I expect anything else? I should have known how sloppy you would be, way back when I first met your family.”

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction. Just as it sounds, this occurs when someone in the conversation acts like a stone wall by withdrawing, shutting down and refusing to engage. It may seem like the partner doesn’t care about the other one and is often a response to feeling physiologically flooded. The person stonewalling may look away, remain silent and perhaps cross their arms over their chest. Stonewalling can be especially damaging because it denies the partnership the chance for resolution.

An example of stonewalling: “I’m not going to dignify your criticism with a response. I’ve had a tough day, too.”

So, what can you do when you identify these four horsemen in your relationship?

Discuss these communication habits with your partner and the damage they can cause.
Instead of criticism, try what I call a “gentle startup.” Express what you notice, share your feelings and state your needs:
- An example of a gentle startup: “When I come home at the end of the day and see dishes in the sink (what you noticed), I feel so tired and frustrated (sharing your feelings), and I really need to walk into a peaceful environment (what you need).”
Instead of defensiveness, take responsibility for your part.
- An example of validating your partner: “You are right. The dishes are a mess (validation). I didn’t do them even though I said I would.”
In the case of stonewalling, consider agreeing to take a 20-minute break to stop the feeling of being flooded with emotions. During that time, breathe deeply, go for a walk or find something that calms you down so you can address the conflict in a positive way. Be sure to return to the discussion at the agreed upon time.
Work to build a culture of appreciation. Catch your partner doing something right and express that to them as often as you can. For every negative action toward your partner, Gottman believes you need to counter that with at least five positive actions for a healthy relationship.
If you notice your partner using one of the horsemen, let them know gently and ask them to try communicating differently.
If you catch yourself using the horsemen, apologize and try again.
Create your own special way to stop conflict in its ugly tracks. At my house, we say, “I don’t like where this is headed. Let’s REBOOT!”

Dr. Susan Murphy is a best-selling author, business consultant and speaker on relationships, conflict, leadership and goal-achievement. Her newest book, “Leading Successful Teams: How To Create a Winning Culture,” will be published soon. Contact her at [email protected] or visit www.drsusanmurphy.com.