From the 90s until 2015, I helped families as a therapist, particularly with the problem of overwhelmed and exhausted children. Their kids were involved in every activity: ballet, piano, soccer, swim, and more. At the time, I told them to drop at least one activity, and instead, spend more time together as a family at home. I suggested they play Candyland, watch a movie or prepare a meal together. They could also allow their kids more free-play time with other children.

Now, times have changed. While kids and their parents are spending time at home together, EVERYONE is on a device. We are plugged in and disconnected. Yet, it’s become the social norm. Kids beg parents, “All my friends have phones, and I’m the weirdo who doesn’t know what’s going on. You are making me a social outcast!” How painful for a loving parent to hear. Many parents give in because other parents have, which makes it easier to just say yes.

However, there is a sacrifice. Children are experiencing maladaptive behaviors and are being exposed to those of others. They may learn that they can say hurtful things to others virtually without direct consequence. They can be hurt by what others say, sitting alone reeling from the interaction and not knowing how to effectively process their emotions. They can pick up negative values and behaviors.

In the past, children were outside playing with other kids face to face. They learned how to settle differences, negotiate, and pick up on important non-verbal cues. They developed confidence and learned they can fall, get back up and get on with it.

We have gotten away from free play because many are worried about children’s physical safety, and understandably so. The problem is we have given them free exposure to the virtual world and are not caring for their emotional and developmental safety.

However, there are some parents raising well-adaptive, confident and self-reliant children. Their secret: they allow their children a healthy dose of free play. They play together in the yard, build forts, climb trees (occasionally need stitches) and learn independence and how to master their fears. They play pick-up football or with dolls or “teacher.” These parents are still somewhere in the background, and might allow their kids to ride bikes alone around the neighborhood, despite the judgment of neighbors.

Many allow their kids a phone, but not until they are about 15 or 16 years old, and then only with limits. Typically, they allow their children to use phones for one hour a night, after homework. Then, the phone is on the charger in their parent’s room and the parents must have the passcode. Any phones given earlier in life are flip phones or “dumb phones” for communication with parents and family only.

I have seen this to be extremely helpful for many children in their mental and emotional development. One of my favorite quotes is from clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel, PhD: “Prepare your children for the road, not the road for your children.”

Teach your children how to keep themselves and their friends safe, and then send them out into the world to practice these skills.

Kelly Lewallen is CEO of Desert Marriage and Family Counseling (#37832) and a member of Desert Doctors. She can be reached at (760) 777.7720. For more information visit www.desertmarriagefamily.com or www.desertdoctors.org.

Sources: 1) “The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt; 2) “The Coddling of the American Mind” by Jonathan Haidt